Category Archives: Passion

High Time

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TreIt’s high time I said hello.

Sorry it’s been so long. Life has been……the same…always changing…dearly beloved…the hardest thing ever. The last few months have given me days filled with laughing babies, constant responsibilities, spiritual battles I never thought I’d face, and saplings of hope. Such a juxtaposition it’s been. But isn’t that life?

I’d like to write more. I am most myself when I write, processing my thoughts, documenting lessons learned, sharing unsteady-on-their-feet dreams.

So I’ll start today.

The thought:

I love that God created a world of order. I love the rhythm of 24 hours, the coming and going and coming again of seasons, the ebb and flow of life. But most of all, I love that life always comes back to Him. He’s there, in my heart. I can feel His love most when I close my eyes and don’t say a single thing.

The lesson:

When my eyes are thus closed, He’s smiling at me. For a long, long time I thought He was scowling. Telling me I always ruined everything. But I am starting to think differently. In part, because of a great group of friends. They seem to believe that God loves me. And if they believe that, perhaps it can be true. Even now, even then, even always.

The dream:

Edged with England and tea and quiet writing rooms and cellos and a warmth of spirit, my dreams are always cozy. But I am also starting to dream about making a difference- through those very comforts. To cheer a weary soul with a chat and cup of tea, to bring healing to a heart through literature and music- in a way that another lecture cannot do, to help set others free through the bedrock of God’s fidelity.

And you, how have you been, friends? I miss you.

e

I Love You More

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Thoughts while I’m smack dab in the middle of figuring out my relationship with the internet…. enjoy. 🙂

*     *     *

In the middle of a crazy and mundane day, you’re there.
When my small world seems meager, you’re there.
Shimmering off the screen, you beckon me to take a sip.
Just a sip.
A sip of ten minutes to scroll the page and see what’s new.
But I know you.
And I know me.
It’s never just a sip.

A sip becomes a gulp becomes a drowning.
Drowning my attention, my creativity, my adoration.
Even when I’m not with you, you steal my heart away.
But I can’t let you steal anymore.

I have two little girls, four little eyes, locked on me.
Waiting for me, aching for me.
Let me drown in them.

When it’s all said and done, I won’t wish I had spent more time online.
I’ll wish I had spent more time on them.
My treasures.

And He is waiting, too.
Longing to fill the longing.
Longing to make my small world glorious.

So I say “I love you more” and I shut off the screen.
Glory

Thoughts on Things

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Thoughts on Things

“All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made.” John 1:3

I get a happy feeling when I declutter. A feeling like no other (except perhaps when I write). It starts in my toes and goes all the way to my heart where it flutters and buzzes. I love to tidy. 🙂

Yes. I know I am fully a nerd that way. But as I embark on a little business to help others declutter, I have been pondering my philosophy of order. Why do I love it so much?
I think I have discovered the reason.

The home is our own special kingdom, a sacred place we get to manage. Whether a mansion, hut, or rented studio room, God gives us our own “plot of earth” to steward. What delight, what joy, what training can come as we put our hands to this gladsome task! Toddlers may conspire, dust and grime encroach- but still what a joy that we have a plot! As children of a King, who has a kingdom, I believe there is an innate desire in us to have domain, to rule a place. And the first and happiest place we get to rule? Our own space.

And ruling our space well brings many happy results.

If we want lives we love, then, as much as it depends on us, only have those things we love in our lives. Perhaps we can’t donate our annoyingly loud neighbor to the Goodwill or fix every messy situation, but we can push back on the crush of stuff in our homes. And that can bring peace and control in whatever situation we find ourselves.

Being tidy and having uncluttered space empowers us to move through the other rooms of our lives with confidence. We learn discernment both in the choice of our physical things and in the choice of our lives’ work. We don’t need to pay a seminar fee or attend a conference to learn these lessons. All this training can take place in our own home.
What joy!

We aren’t perfect (can anyone say yard work?!!), but every day we get better. We get better at home.

Lately

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Hello Friends.

It has been quite a while. 🙂

Between this toddler chasing (see Exhibit A)

Exhibit A

Exhibit A

and this baby birthing (see Exhibit B)

Exhibit B

Exhibit B

I haven’t had time to sleep. Yet alone write.

But I have missed you. Greatly.

All of this hullabaloo hasn’t dampened my love of words, of passion, of living a fixed-gaze life. Rather, my focus has been refined, further and further.

Lately?

I still love my golden-haired guy. He is my rock and sacred joy. I love laughing with him when all we want to do is yell because the toddler threw rice all over the floor again and the baby is crying forever.

I adore my exuberant toddler. She is so curious and so sweet and so joyful- she makes my heart sing.

I am swooningly in love with my new rosy, plump, delicious baby. She is as perfect as a babydoll.

I love my friends- and those who will one day be my friends. (Kindred spirits are hidden everywhere, you know.) In fact, I love them even more than ever in these whirlwind days of babies all around. They bring color and sanity and gladness to my days. I adore them.

I love life. There are so many wonderful things in this world. Sunshine on water, bird calls through my window, the joy of cleaning out clutter, the satisfaction of a good book, the rapture of a gorgeously-shot film, a strong body, hopeful plans. So much to partake.

The Beautiful Life

And I love Jesus. More than ever. More each moment. The last year has been hard and deep. At times almost, almost, too hard and too deep. But He has always been here. And He has made me strong. How? By constantly holding me up. Forever I am grateful, forever I am His.

So that’s where I’ve been.

I’d love to hear where you’ve been lately.

And I can’t wait to see where we’ll go next.

Until then.

E

Joy in the Narrowing

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I’m fixin’ to turn 29, ya’ll. (For some strange reason, I felt compelled to say this in a Texan accent…maybe it makes me feel more youthful?!)

True to my INFJ personality, I always spend the days surrounding my birthday pondering the past year, the upcoming year, and the passages of time. The past several years, this reflection has been tinged with a bit of remorse. Not that my life isn’t good. I’m blessed with so much: a kind, supportive husband, a loving family, friends, opportunities, ice-cream, and- most of all- the love of my Savior. But as each passing year has brought greater definition to my life, there have also been “little deaths” along the way.

Little deaths are the wild dreams I had as a 19, with Switchfoot being the soundtrack for each dream:

  • Live in Europe
  • Live in Nepal and Tibet
  • Run an orphanage
  • Run an NGO
  • Be an entrepreneur
  • Teach English as a second language
  • Be a world-class photojournalist
  • Marry an Italian with curly dark hair
  • Do all of the above by the time I am 30
Looking back on this list, it’s laudable that I had so many ambitions. With the exception of living in Romania for a semester and teaching English to a Korean immigrant for 1.5 months, I haven’t accomplished any of my original dreams. (I definitely didn’t marry an Italian with curly dark hair- ha! But I did marry the whitest of white American boys, with golden hair to match. And I wouldn’t trade him for all the Marios in the world. 🙂 ) But strangely, I no longer feel sorrow over this.

Along with my many dreams, came a hefty load of confusion. The culture’s message of “Anything is possible, you can be anyone and do anything you want” left me feeling completely paralyzed. With all these choices around me, I certainly didn’t want to make the wrong choice. And I didn’t want to miss out on one good dream because I said yes to another.

This confusion followed me around for a decade.

But what a difference 29 vs. 19 makes. 🙂

The decade of my twenties has taught me that it’s who you are, not what you do, that determines your adventures. It’s taught me that there is joy in the narrowing of life’s scope. It’s all well and good to dream up a thousand glorious dreams. But at some point, you have to decide which dream you’ll LIVE.

Accomplishing some of my original goals would still be pretty rad. But it’s also pretty rad to:

  • Be a devoted wife
  • Be a present mother
  • Be an invested friend
  • Focus on one or two things and keep doing them and doing them and doing them until you do them well
  • Enjoy the fruit that only the long-term-committed taste
These have been some of the grand adventures I have been privileged to experience in my twenties. And I’m so grateful.

Who knows, I still might run a crazy awesome NGO and orphanage in Tibet someday. God surprises us with new adventures everyday. 🙂 But in the meantime, I take great joy in the narrowing.